I Am a Light

 I Am a Light

10/11/2014

This week I’m stumped. Several days ago, I thought I had it all figured out and then I sat down.

I considered rambling about my recent realization about relationships and what may actually be destined for me. All romantic relationships I’ve developed in the last several years have been wonderful experiences to start.  These interactions would meet the initial need, excitement, passion, intellectual stimulation. Of course the inevitability of even more passion stemming from the intellectual stimulation, emotional connectedness and the beginnings of foundation building in that lovely almost magical place; the start of something real. 

Then the predictable would happen. The catalyst that initiated the unraveling of the thread.  Sometimes faster, sometimes slower, but someone, in some way, would always be pulling the string.

I don’t intend to come off as pessimistic, just presenting facts.  An inciting incident always comes along that verifies the inevitability of the short lived and in many cases for me, short loved moments.  I’ve been under the impression for a time that people continue to repeat the same mistakes until they learn from them. I seem to somehow be caught up in this loop as well.

Perhaps it’s a mistake to think that I should fit into the traditional role of the female in the relationship. I have always been the nurturer, and the provider.  My role as a single mother demands the responsibility.  As I was growing up, I had the impression that there’s an exchange that happens in relationships.  A give and take, an equally shared responsibility and mutual devotion to the other person.  A safe place to open your heart and trust that you’ve committed your life to your best friend.

I’ve always wanted to have someone to take care of me. Apparently it was a secret because I seemed to be the only one who knew.  Even when I had someone in my life, when I married him, he just wasn’t invested in the same way that I was.  I was a mom first and I made sure my family’s needs were not only met, but priority. I took care of financial, physical, familial, and immediate needs. I won’t boast that I did it as well as some, nor will I claim to have done it better than others, but I did it the best I could, under the circumstances.

I gave my children what they needed; safety, and stability. I sacrificed fighting for what could be, and what should be, for acceptance of the facts and doing what I felt was the right thing to do.  Growth cannot happen in soil that is contaminated.  

Initially, I pouted about it.  The feeling of being abandoned despite my instructing him to leave. The feeling that I wasn’t good enough, that my kids weren’t enough motivation to make him stronger than the addiction. 

The nights were the hardest for me at first, but once I realized that I wasn’t really alone I didn’t think about it much. My nine month old son snuggled in his co-habitating bed, (and sometimes in my arms) and my daughter no more than an arms length away from me eased the ache, and alleviated the fear.  I was disappointed, but I wasn’t ever really alone.  I just really wanted something better for them, and if I’m entirely honest, for me.  Maybe in some ways I did give them better; a better version of me. Someone devoted to them,  instead of trying to be the only mechanic working on a broken relationship.

Love is not only for those who are deserving, or those who have endured.  Love is a gift for those that simply love, and those flawed and fleeting bursts of joy will continue to surprise and delight if you’re willing to look for them.  I found that we went to bed earlier and earlier, just to be close, to snuggle and watch a movie, or tickle or tell stories. I’d not trade a moment of any of those wonderful evenings.

Life doesn’t have to be perfect, because its individual to those that live it.  It’s been scary, and it's going to continue to be really friggin' scary but there’s something beautiful in being  brave, and in each moment I claim for my own.  At the end of the day, it’s how I’ve faced those challenges, how I listened to my heart and became a light in those terrifying moments of the unexpected or the undefined.